Summer drags on

It's July. I thought I'd be pregnant by now. It's ridiculous how frustrated I am. Some women take years to have their first children. I had both my boys without trying. I'm trying to remind myself things will happen in their own time. And now that hubs has put in his 2 week notice we don't have to worry so much about timing the birthday. That's takes a ton of stress off. Of course the changing of careers is its own added stressor.

I've decided in my heart it's okay to not be trying right now, but I'm still symptom spotting (I'm in a tww). I'm trying to stay away from googling my symptoms but it's hard, even when the outcome will be the same whether I do that or not. Summer drags on.

The boys go visit my in-laws this week. We meet half way. They love to visit. Next year we may have them go to my parents as well. They have to fly on a plane to see my family though, takes a bit of a leap for me to do that. It'll be hard when they go off by themselves. Next year they'll be 13 & 9. They will love the adventure.

I'm trying so hard to be a better person. I'm still beating myself up over stupid things though. Old patterns are so easy to fall back into. Especially the negative ones. Summer drags on.

Summer highlights

So... My last post ended up being wrong. I didn't ovulate until nearly a week later, though I thought my temps said I did because I was used to that slow rise. I was quite upset about not getting the timing right and ending up with a longer cycle. I had terrible nightmares during my cycle, horror monster style stuff. But on cycle 9 I'm firmly into my next cycle and now I'm daydreaming about snuggly little bundles.

We bought pool passes and have spent a several days at the pool... Just the boys and I mostly as hubs is working of course. He's miserable, and ready to quit, and possibly going to just start driving a bus, maybe go back to school... All I want is a baby but he's ready for a new job, how can I be contemplating a baby when he may not have work? Or at least not be so firmly established. I'm kinda freaking out, it will probably delay ovulation again... Gah! Why can't life just be easy?

In other news: I wore a bikini in public yesterday! Big step for me. Trying to walk out all the talk I've been living. Living my best life in the body I have instead of the body I *wish* I had. It was fantastic. Nobody even looked twice at me, that I noticed anyway. Of course my thighs burned where I forgot sunscreen, but hey, base tan eventually. Gosh I was so pumped. Still riding that high.

Deja Vu

Started another two week wait. But between a sunburn and the a/c running and CW tossing around all night I didn't get very restful sleep last night and my temp is not tracking like it did the last few cycles. We didn't baby dance as much as I would have liked because hubs is so exhausted from work lately. I'm fairly certain I ovulated as my cm is dry/sticky instead of the wet/watery it was before. My temp usually takes a day or two to really rise to its new elevated level. Even with all the craziness of summer and prepping for the in-laws to visit (with not much notice for me) I feel hopeful for this cycle. My cm was increased, thanks in part to my being diligent about my hydration I believe.

Lots to keep me busy and my mind off of babies for the next little bit so it should be a quick 2 weeks.

Last week

So much for starting a workout routine. I completely forgot about it as soon as I published that last Post. Had the laziest 3 day weekend. And got out of breath walking the kids to school this morning.

Ugh! Why is it that I can remember to take my BBT every morning when the alarm goes off, I can remember to take my vitamins, I can remember (mostly) to drink my coffee, I can remember to play a dang phone game every day, but I can't for the life of me add a damn exercise routine to my schedule?

Depression is weird. But I'm fighting it. I will continue to fight it.

Busy busy

It's been awhile since I felt like writing. So much going on as we head into the last week (partial week) if the school year. Trey had a birthday, a party, a field trip. Alex had a sick day and now a field trip. Work is good, but we're getting a new principal next year and I'm not sure how i will do the sub thing if the new person is not on board with me doing recess and subbing. Guess I could quit the recess and straight sub but I really enjoy getting to see the kids at their fun times. I'd miss it. Which is funny because for a long time I didn't want to do this kind of job, I was afraid of being overwhelmed by it. I'm so glad for the progress I've made with my MH. It's really amazing how far I've come in the last year or two, and especially the last few months since I ditched BC.

I'm hopeful that the end of school will mean I can work on adding an exercise routine to my day. If I'm gonna wake up at 615am to take my temp for my FAM chart I might as well hop on the Gazelle before the kids wake up! As this just occurred to me I'm suddenly very excited about adding it in the morning. I'll start this weekend!

Here's to the beginning of a productive summer!

Mother's Day

My temp is still up, I'll test tomorrow if it doesn't drop.

Meanwhile, #2 is screaming about cracking eggs and I'm not sure it safe to go down stairs yet.

He just stomped up here to ask if I wanted to eat upstairs or down. That's my cue to get out of bed ❤️

They made me eggs & toast and even made my coffee. #2 had already gotten me a little potted flower & #1 went out and picked me a couple as well. DH headed for work and the boys and I get to chill at home today.

We ended mother's day by going to TX Roadhouse. 55 minute wait to be seated. They wouldn't take our coupons because of the holiday, half my steak was over cooked, & they nearly forgot my chili. It actually was better than that sounds 🤣

I sure love my boys!

(BFN Monday morning)

Conflicted

I don't know what I'm feeling. Could be PMS, or ... I'm conflicted. My husband is miserable at work and wants to quit. I want to be pregnant but if he's gonna be starting a new job it's suddenly not a good time. I could start my period tomorrow or the next day or I could end up taking a positive test and be holding a 4 month old baby this time next year...

I have never both wanted & not wanted my period to show with equal fervor. So much conflict in my head, my heart. I'm breaking apart.

Patience... I wish!

Still enduring the 2 week wait. Sort of. I ordered a box of tests with no rush shipping so that I could test as soon as they arrived (providing my cycle hadn't arrived). So much for that plan. They're arriving today. Now they will mock me for at least 5 days before I can test. I'm so impatient already, this will not be good for my head.

Two Week Wait

Three higher temps in a row. Pretty sure I ovulated. And from my charts we timed intercourse almost perfectly. I know CW agreed to try for baby so a baby will be welcome but with work ramping up he's very distracted and shuts down conversation any time it bring it up. He doesn't care about logistics, or 2 week waits or pregnancy tests. I want to scream from the rooftops and tell everyone I'm in the 2 week wait but I know it's better to hold this to myself. Sure we timed it right and I'm healthier than I've been in quite awhile (mental and physical) and it could happen perfectly, but I also know that it doesn't always happen right away. It's so weird, I've never actually tried to get pregnant before. No planning, no research, no 2 week wait, just BAM! you're pregnant! It's a strange new world. I'm not sure I like this feeling. I'm so impatient, so desperate to know if we succeeded. How can I possibly wait 2 weeks?!

I'm doing my best but with this 3rd high temp confirming my ovulation I'm suddenly very aware of every twinge in my body, any sign. Of course all the early signs of pregnancy are also the same symptoms I get for PMS so it won't help me to dwell on anything I might feel. Real pregnancy symptoms won't start until after a test gives me a positive. For now I'm reading all I can, assuming it will take more than one cycle, and just trying not to pin my hopes on one lonely little (fertilized?) egg traveling down my fallopian tube. It'll happen, or it won't and I won't know for at least 2 weeks.

I have found that I am not a patient woman.

Weather, ugh!

The last half of April has been just ridiculous. Palm Sunday: 9 inches of snow. Easter weekend: GORGEOUS. Sunny, warm. This weekend: F-CKIN SNOW! What the fack is happening? Why can't we just have some consistent weather? I'm just nuts trying to figure out what I need to wear to go outside one hour to the next. It's making my head spin!

In other news I was hoping to have ovulated by now but no luck yet. It's entirely possible that me obsessing over it is delaying the process. I hope not. Probably just a late ovulation, not really late as I'm only on CD17 and I ovulated around CD19 last month but I had assumed that was a product of withdrawal from the birth control and my ovulation would be earlier this month. Guess not. Better get on the sexy love train tonight. Choo-choo! I really want to make a baby (or two).

I'm also dying to talk about it with everyone. But I know not everyone needs or wants to know the details of my sex life and my cycle. I am an over-sharer with these kinds of things and I've already shared with too many people that we are even TCC. But I'm just so excited and just want to gush about it every moment. To commiserate with someone who maybe knows how I feel. I should probably find a message board or something. Maybe find a like minded community where I can discuss methods, position, timing. All that.

If I ovulate soon I'll be headed for the dreaded 2 week wait all the TCC boards warn about. I've never had a 2 week wait as both my boys were unplanned. I'm not sure how well I'm going to handle this, I'm not known for my patience. Hopefully tracking my temps will help. I know they will drop right before a period if I'm not pregnant. My last luteal phase was about 11 days, I hope that's long enough for implant, it should be. I won't start worrying about that until at least 4 failed cycles.

And that's enough stream of consciousness writing I think. I'll drag myself into a negative cycle if I keep following that line of inquiry. I'm doing everything in my power to support my body in conceiving and that is enough. I am enough.

Musings

Well, I haven't ovulated yet so I know I'm not pregnant. It was fun to think about for a little. My cervix seems to have shifted position this morning so I may be ovulating soon, I better make sure there's sperm ready to meet my egg... If you catch my meaning 😉

Meanwhile I applied for a substitute teacher license today. I have really enjoyed being with the kids on the playground and I'm ready to see if I can make a go of this not during play time. I'm going to start by applying to be a para-educator substitute first, as I'm not sure I'm cut out for full teacher subbing right out the gate. I'm also considering taking a substitute teacher class this summer, I should see if my husband can accommodate that in his schedule. I'm very pleased with the way this is headed.i think it will be good for me. Not to mention the extra income will be nice.

Time to head off to work. Only 24 shifts left (25 school days left but no recess or lunch the last day).

Like a little secret

Wow. We had completely unprotected intercourse for the first time in 9 years. (I count being pregnant with my youngest protection. Haha!)

I'm probably 5-6 days out from ovulation so I don't expect any of these swimmers to make it that long but... What if one does? What if today the sperm that will become our next child is already inside me? It's like I'm walking around with a little secret. What if? Wow. I'm just... Wow. What. If?

Haha. I'm a nutter.

Exercising mindfulness

Trying to focus on being mindful of my thoughts about myself. Trying to be kind. Got on the Gazelle today even tho I'm still a bit crampy. Started to fall into a thought pattern about exercise because of the food I had eaten the night before, not good! I caught myself though and changed my thought pattern. I may even have spoken out loud. "This is not a punishment, I do this because I like the way I feel when my blood pumps hard and the sweat drips from my face. I like the rush of feeling good and recognizing how much my body supports me in everything I do every day! This. Is. Not. A. Punishment."

Sometimes it is hard to step away from the negative thoughts, sometimes it's as easy as reminding myself that I am amazing and awesome and totally worth it!

Fake periods got nothin' on the real deal

I'm in agony. And I don't have an underlying medical condition making it worse. No Endo to blame, nothing. I'm just in pain. The cramps aren't that bad, it's the low back pain. It's excruciating! Heat helps. But barely.

I thought my fake periods (that's what I call what I had on the Nexplanon) were painful. They were nothing compared to this. Every move, every thought of movement wrecks me. I'm a big baby. I was googling to see what's wrong with me. Apparently I just forgot how my body actually feels during real menstruation. My kids running up to me for a hug makes me wince. Rolling over in my sleep wakes me instantly. Tylenol doesn't dent the pain. I just want to scream. And my husband is home and in a spring cleaning mindset 😭 I hope I make it thru the day, tomorrow will be better... Right?

Chocolate & Midol

;I'm ready to curl up on the couch with a heating pad, a bowl of chocolate, and a bottle of midol. I knew it was coming thanks to tracking my temps and being more aware of other body cues. The scientist in me is fascinated by my new awareness and excited to see what a natural cycle will entail (I've had one real cycle in the last 13 years). But regular me just wants to watch sappy movies and drown in hot chocolate.

I'm still so amazed that something as simple as tracking my BBT has given me such an insight into my body and its natural rhythm. I had a temp dip yesterday and knew thanks to my reading that I would start my period within a day or so. Now I get to see how it goes.

Another part of me is celebrating because I know that in a couple weeks I could ovulate once more and it is my hope to get pregnant. It would be fun to continue tracking my cycles for a few months; however, I am ready to have another child. And while I am still young, I don't have a lot of fertile years left and if we decide to have more than one I need to have time for that one as well. 

Bring on the babies!

A Step in the Right Direction

So I've been taking my waking temps for about 26 days now. It's become habit, even on weekends. I have an alarm set for about 615am every day, I don't even remember waking up to take my temp this morning but it was input into my cycle tracking app so I must have. 🤷 I was laughing at myself when I opened my app at 9am to put in my vitamin notes. I'm glad I'm making progress establishing healthy habits. In addition to taking my temps every morning I am also eating a good breakfast, taking vitamins daily, and I've weaned myself down to only 12 ounces of coffee.

Today I took another step in the right direction. I brought my Gazelle glider into the house. It has been languishing in the garage since last summer when it was just too hot to use out there any more. I've a plan in place for how to work it into my daily schedule and I am excited to implement more movement into my routine. Baby steps are still steps.

I'm trying not to rush myself but I really need to have a good routine in place before we start TTC next month. I refuse to let myself fall into the same traps I did the last time I was pregnant. Movement makes me feel good. Reminds me of how incredible my body is, even if it doesn't look like society's current ideal. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am worthy taking care of.

Spring in the air, & my step

Spring is in the air, my step lightens more everyday. Like a weight removed as the cold weather lifts so does my heart. The wind blows away my cares, my worries, my anxiety. It also blows away the last leaves of fall, making room for new buds, new life. New growth.

I am ready to start new life myself, I had wanted to delay so I might be able to join CW on a cruise in December (if he wins it) but cruise restrictions on travel would mean an April 2020 due date and I do not want to wait that long! If he wins hell just have to take his dad or something. I'll be jealous, and spiteful but I'll be carrying new life so I'll try not to care too much.

Being Sick Sucks

Friday night my 2nd grader started throwing up. It was gross and the poor thing was miserable. He didn't start acting like himself again until Sunday night.... Monday night I started throwing up... It's Wednesday so I was hoping to feel halfway human by now but I'm still wrecked. Doesn't help my husband had to go out of town Tuesday morning (I was up most of the night heaving so I slept on a couch close to the bathroom). He'll be back tonight. I wanted to make the house not look like a sick person had been letting the kids run crazy but let's face it they have been. Too much video games not enough proper meals, fighting each other over everything. *Sigh* I'm barely coping.

In other news, I finally saw what true ewcm looks like, but considering I'm still a bit dehydrated I'm assuming "thick snot" will not always be an apt description. There was a lot. I don't think I've ovulated yet but it's hard to tell since my BBT is off from being sick. I was running 99+ this morning and didn't even take a temp on Tuesday. Time will tell I suppose. Hopefully this illness doesn't delay ovulation. I want to just get on with my cycle, not delay it.

Small update on my vivid dreams from the other day, one of my sisters announced that same evening that she's expecting 🤣

Vivid Dreams

Been a rough couple days. Sickness, fluctuating weather. Sugar withdrawal. Ugh! Intrusive negative thoughts made a little come back.

Last night/early this morning I had a very vivid dream. I was pregnant with quadruplets! Then I gave birth to 3 of them but number 4 was transverse breech (laying sideways across the cervix). In my dream I kept repositioning them but every time I got them head down and I was ready to push they would flip back to the transverse position. It felt so real. So vivid, I woke with my uterus pulsing from the memory of it. No temperature spike in my chart to indicate ovulation yet though. And we've been super good about barrier protection so I'm certain I haven't conceived.

It's funny, the last time I had a pregnancy dream this vivid my sister called me 3 weeks later to tell me she was pregnant, and from her dates she probably conceived right around the time of my very vivid dream. So as soon as I woke up this morning I demanded all my siblings in our family chat room tell me who sent the the dream 🤣

It's crazy but when my dreams about babies and pregnancy are this vivid, someone close to me always ends up being pregnant. Only time will tell. I'll know for sure when one of them announces a due date in mid December. 🤷

Night time Musings

Laying in bed, cuddling with my husband. Googling why my pee smells different (probably the new vitamins). I rub my arms absent mindedly and am struck by the fact that I no longer have a stick in my arm. After almost six years with a foreign object lurking just below the surface of my skin it's so odd to finally feel nothing. To know I'm not fiddling with my chemistry any more, to know I'm finally allowing my body to reach an equilibrium. To find it's normal. And to top it off I'm learning more and more about how it actually works.

I keep going back to TCOYF and researching different aspects of my menstrual cycle. How different hormones play a role in not just my cycle but my overall health & wellness. I really love learning and it just feels so good to immerse myself in a new subject. The added ability to have a practical application for my new knowledge is a big bonus.

And now to pop on a nature documentary and doze off, spring break starts next week and I need my rest.

Watching the Temps

When I started working at the elementary school winter was approaching. I soon became very aware of what the temperature outside was doing. As winter dragged on I became very focused on what the temps were doing, above 0°F we paly outside, below and we have to be inside. Recess inside is hard on EVERYONE,but especially on the kindergartners. We are finally headed towards spring and now I have to fight the kids about the temps once more. Below 60°F they have to keep their coats on... To K, 1st, & 2nd 45°F sure feels warm enough to take off a coat, not on my watch kiddos!

Having spent so much of the last 6 months focused on the temps outside it feels very fitting for my temp watch to start to be focused inward. Since having my Nexplanon removed I have been charting my waking temps. The scientist in my head is fascinated by the changes on my chart. At first my waking temps were elevated by the lingering artificial hormones but they have come down and now I am hoping for the temperature shift which will indicate I have ovulated. I know it may not happen this cycle but I am still watching the temps, looking for the shift, the change. Like waiting for spring to arrive, I'm watching my body for signs of returning fertility.

Mondays are (insert word)

Mondays are...

Reality. Back to a schedule, appointments to keep, work to do, somewhere to be at all times.

Frantic. Rushing, running, late for everything.

Manic. On edge from the weekend, reactions intensify, over reaching for all the feelings.

A new beginning. A chance to start fresh, to set a new course, to have a do over.

Hard. Everything put off last week comes back to haunt you. But you can make it work. Choose your path.

Make Monday great.

Empowered by Information

Since my confusing ob/gyn appointment where my doctor seemed to be trying to scare me out of a VBA2C (not pregnant, just planning) I have been scouring the internet for information. Not just positive vbac blogs and stories of VBA2C (successful & not) but also medical studies and ACOG guidelines. And I am feeling very much empowered by what I have found.

According to ACOG guidelines as a mother with 2 low transverse scar caesarians I am still a very good candidate for Trial of Labor After Caesarian (TOLAC). Especially since we want to plan for more than one more child. I feel empowered. I know I can bring this information to my OB/GYN when we have conceived and make my case as an informed and empowered woman who knows my strengths and my rights.

I am slowly making a list of things that I want (and don't want) for my next pregnancy and birth. I am backing up my choices with literature and case studies for most of my reasons. Let's face it, some of it comes down to personal preference and some women are more comfortable with certain things than others. I feel like I'm back in school doing an independent study course, and I plan to ace my final project.

Jumbled Up

So much going through my head. As my body withdraws from the hormones of the Nexplanon I find myself contemplating everything and anything. Everything Sparks a new stream of thought.

A twinge in my arm reminds me we could be having a baby by this time next year. A drop of rain on the window makes me think of the crawl space beneath the house and what all the melting snow is doing to the foundation of our house. A passing car makes me wonder when we'll be able to afford a larger vehicle. A glance in the mirror while brushing my teeth makes me wonder what my husband sees when he looks at me. The laughing of the kids on the way to school makes me wish I was already pregnant. And so on and so forth.

My mind won't settle. It's strange but fascinating. I feel a bit of a fog lifting and I've had much less intrusive negative thoughts since the removal. I'm happy about this change. Were the artificial hormones really affecting me that much? I'm blown away. I can hardly wait to see where I am once I'm truly out of the fog.

Not Quite ready! (TMI)

Oh wow! My Nexplanon came out only yesterday. Decided I'd do a quick check of my cervical fluid this morning, it's already bouncing back from my dry baseline (I produced little to no cervical fluid while on the birth control). This quick bounce back means I may start ovulating this week. I'm flabbergasted! I expected for my body to take a few weeks, if not months to get to this point. I should have known better: it took one cycle to conceive our last kiddo. And I didn't know what to look for as far as cervical fluid goes. Now I know what to look for. Not sure I'm ready for my returning fertility.

I better stock up on condoms.

Removed but Confused

I did it. I took control. I had my birth control implant removed yesterday. I should be happy, ecstatic, elated. Instead I'm feeling confused & just a bit conflicted.

I asked my gyno about VBA2C. "It's your choice of course. But.." and he starts describing uterine rupture and the damage it could do to a baby if I were to rupture and not get to a OR fast enough. When asked he gave me the statistics on rupture. There's an approximate 1% chance of uterine rupture after 2 C-sections. From my research I know that can be increased if I "need" to be induced. (Not if I have any say!) 99% chance that I would not rupture. 99%. I feel like he was trying to scare me. Why? His numbers? The inconvenience of waiting on baby? Insurance policy & rates? But I'm still struggling to advocate for myself and hearing him be seemingly against giving me a chance really made me question everything for a bit.

Today I'm stronger. Still a little confused. It's been 8 years since my last section. And I am still determined to make sure it is really the last. I will prepare my body for vaginal birth, before we even conceive. I will prepare myself throughout the pregnancy. I will have a VBA2C.

From Powerless to Empowered

Thirteen years ago I became pregnant. It was not in our plans, we'd only been dating for 3 months or so. I was a junior in University, he was about a year behind me credit-wise, but at another University 100 miles away. We decided to make it work. I was 3.5 months pregnant when we eloped.

I was determined to finish my degree and as our child was due at the end of the fall semester we decided I would continue to go to classes while pregnant. I was so focused on keeping my grades up I didn't do my due diligence in preparing myself for labor & delivery. I was far from all my female relatives and none of my girlfriends had any children. I was not prepared. Not even close.

My mother had natural, no med deliveries for 7 of her 9 children, how hard could it be? I was so wrong. I went to the hospital in early labor, we had not made time for birthing classes. I had no strategies to manage the pain and my husband was as distraught at my pain as I. I begged for an epidural 5 hours in and that choice led to a cascade of interventions resulting in an *emergency* c-section. I had a beautiful healthy boy. BUT I felt so striped of my power. I had given in to the doctors and not advocated for me or my baby. I was ashamed.

Five years later we were pregnant again, on our limited insurance I had very little choice in providers and the first words out of my doctor's mouth at my prenatal appointment was "I don't do VBACs." Once again, I failed to advocate for myself. I let myself be swept up by the medical complex and had another major surgery for our second child. I was so powerless. I felt so lost.

I kept my shame and feelings of powerlessness hidden for a very long time. It's been almost 8 years since our youngest was born. We are finally ready for another child and as part of my journey to reclaim the void inside I have been digging into my feelings surrounding my previous births. I now know that I need to advocate for myself. I have been researching and learning how to advocate for myself, for my body, for my babies. I will have a Trial of Labor After Caesarian. I will have a Vaginal Birth after 2 Caesarians. I will find my power and recover from my trauma & shame. I will conquer.

Now there's just the small part of finding a provider willing and able to support this decision. Oh and conception. 😆

Photographs & Mirrors

For the last 10 years or so I have hated having my picture taken. Every image of myself was horrible to my eyes and I avoided cameras or did my best to be the one taking the pictures. I even started avoiding full body mirrors as my visage was so hateful to me.

Over the last year or two, and especially after a medical scare my husband had last year, I have come to realize that my children would probably like to have pictures of us together when I pass. And even before then, my children deserve a mother who is present and not hiding from the camera or mirrors.

And while I started being less camera shy for my children I also came to appreciate my own image. I am learning to love my self as I am now. I am learning that I don't have to change myself to be worthy of love and respect. And in learning this I have begun taking better care of myself. Loving my body as it is helps me treat myself with kindness. The "flaws" I used to see are now just a part of my uniqueness. I am me, and that is enough.

A Beginning

I suppose every blog starts at the beginning. This beginning is several years in the making.

I've been hurt, mistreated, and told I'm not enough. I am daily confronted with media that tells me my body is too big to be worthy of respect. I am loved and cherished but have a hard time accepting that I deserve it. This year I will celebrate 13 years of marriage with an incredible man who is also the father of my 2 wonderful boys (12 & nearly 8).

For the last several years I've been slowly reclaiming my self-worth. Digging deep and realizing I am worthy of all the good things in my life has been a challenge, to say the least. I am reclaiming the void inside that is full of doubt & hate. I am removing those lies and filling it with words of truth. I am enough. I am worthy. I am beautiful and kind and special just the way I am.

Last fall was the first time I was able to bring up my insecurities and inner battles at my annual doctor appointment. They gave me a referral to a therapist I can't afford. It was also suggested that since hormonal birth control can increase depression in some women that I might want to consider a change in that department. Then they told me to lose some weight and I cried on the way home. This month I am having my Nexplanon implant removed. (It helps that my husband & I feel we are ready for more children). So, in addition to reclaiming my inner void, I will also be reclaiming my body.

This is not the beginning of my journey, but is a beginning.