Empowered by Information

Since my confusing ob/gyn appointment where my doctor seemed to be trying to scare me out of a VBA2C (not pregnant, just planning) I have been scouring the internet for information. Not just positive vbac blogs and stories of VBA2C (successful & not) but also medical studies and ACOG guidelines. And I am feeling very much empowered by what I have found.

According to ACOG guidelines as a mother with 2 low transverse scar caesarians I am still a very good candidate for Trial of Labor After Caesarian (TOLAC). Especially since we want to plan for more than one more child. I feel empowered. I know I can bring this information to my OB/GYN when we have conceived and make my case as an informed and empowered woman who knows my strengths and my rights.

I am slowly making a list of things that I want (and don't want) for my next pregnancy and birth. I am backing up my choices with literature and case studies for most of my reasons. Let's face it, some of it comes down to personal preference and some women are more comfortable with certain things than others. I feel like I'm back in school doing an independent study course, and I plan to ace my final project.

From Powerless to Empowered

Thirteen years ago I became pregnant. It was not in our plans, we'd only been dating for 3 months or so. I was a junior in University, he was about a year behind me credit-wise, but at another University 100 miles away. We decided to make it work. I was 3.5 months pregnant when we eloped.

I was determined to finish my degree and as our child was due at the end of the fall semester we decided I would continue to go to classes while pregnant. I was so focused on keeping my grades up I didn't do my due diligence in preparing myself for labor & delivery. I was far from all my female relatives and none of my girlfriends had any children. I was not prepared. Not even close.

My mother had natural, no med deliveries for 7 of her 9 children, how hard could it be? I was so wrong. I went to the hospital in early labor, we had not made time for birthing classes. I had no strategies to manage the pain and my husband was as distraught at my pain as I. I begged for an epidural 5 hours in and that choice led to a cascade of interventions resulting in an *emergency* c-section. I had a beautiful healthy boy. BUT I felt so striped of my power. I had given in to the doctors and not advocated for me or my baby. I was ashamed.

Five years later we were pregnant again, on our limited insurance I had very little choice in providers and the first words out of my doctor's mouth at my prenatal appointment was "I don't do VBACs." Once again, I failed to advocate for myself. I let myself be swept up by the medical complex and had another major surgery for our second child. I was so powerless. I felt so lost.

I kept my shame and feelings of powerlessness hidden for a very long time. It's been almost 8 years since our youngest was born. We are finally ready for another child and as part of my journey to reclaim the void inside I have been digging into my feelings surrounding my previous births. I now know that I need to advocate for myself. I have been researching and learning how to advocate for myself, for my body, for my babies. I will have a Trial of Labor After Caesarian. I will have a Vaginal Birth after 2 Caesarians. I will find my power and recover from my trauma & shame. I will conquer.

Now there's just the small part of finding a provider willing and able to support this decision. Oh and conception. 😆