From Powerless to Empowered

Thirteen years ago I became pregnant. It was not in our plans, we'd only been dating for 3 months or so. I was a junior in University, he was about a year behind me credit-wise, but at another University 100 miles away. We decided to make it work. I was 3.5 months pregnant when we eloped.

I was determined to finish my degree and as our child was due at the end of the fall semester we decided I would continue to go to classes while pregnant. I was so focused on keeping my grades up I didn't do my due diligence in preparing myself for labor & delivery. I was far from all my female relatives and none of my girlfriends had any children. I was not prepared. Not even close.

My mother had natural, no med deliveries for 7 of her 9 children, how hard could it be? I was so wrong. I went to the hospital in early labor, we had not made time for birthing classes. I had no strategies to manage the pain and my husband was as distraught at my pain as I. I begged for an epidural 5 hours in and that choice led to a cascade of interventions resulting in an *emergency* c-section. I had a beautiful healthy boy. BUT I felt so striped of my power. I had given in to the doctors and not advocated for me or my baby. I was ashamed.

Five years later we were pregnant again, on our limited insurance I had very little choice in providers and the first words out of my doctor's mouth at my prenatal appointment was "I don't do VBACs." Once again, I failed to advocate for myself. I let myself be swept up by the medical complex and had another major surgery for our second child. I was so powerless. I felt so lost.

I kept my shame and feelings of powerlessness hidden for a very long time. It's been almost 8 years since our youngest was born. We are finally ready for another child and as part of my journey to reclaim the void inside I have been digging into my feelings surrounding my previous births. I now know that I need to advocate for myself. I have been researching and learning how to advocate for myself, for my body, for my babies. I will have a Trial of Labor After Caesarian. I will have a Vaginal Birth after 2 Caesarians. I will find my power and recover from my trauma & shame. I will conquer.

Now there's just the small part of finding a provider willing and able to support this decision. Oh and conception. 😆