Vivid Dreams

Been a rough couple days. Sickness, fluctuating weather. Sugar withdrawal. Ugh! Intrusive negative thoughts made a little come back.

Last night/early this morning I had a very vivid dream. I was pregnant with quadruplets! Then I gave birth to 3 of them but number 4 was transverse breech (laying sideways across the cervix). In my dream I kept repositioning them but every time I got them head down and I was ready to push they would flip back to the transverse position. It felt so real. So vivid, I woke with my uterus pulsing from the memory of it. No temperature spike in my chart to indicate ovulation yet though. And we've been super good about barrier protection so I'm certain I haven't conceived.

It's funny, the last time I had a pregnancy dream this vivid my sister called me 3 weeks later to tell me she was pregnant, and from her dates she probably conceived right around the time of my very vivid dream. So as soon as I woke up this morning I demanded all my siblings in our family chat room tell me who sent the the dream 🤣

It's crazy but when my dreams about babies and pregnancy are this vivid, someone close to me always ends up being pregnant. Only time will tell. I'll know for sure when one of them announces a due date in mid December. 🤷

From Powerless to Empowered

Thirteen years ago I became pregnant. It was not in our plans, we'd only been dating for 3 months or so. I was a junior in University, he was about a year behind me credit-wise, but at another University 100 miles away. We decided to make it work. I was 3.5 months pregnant when we eloped.

I was determined to finish my degree and as our child was due at the end of the fall semester we decided I would continue to go to classes while pregnant. I was so focused on keeping my grades up I didn't do my due diligence in preparing myself for labor & delivery. I was far from all my female relatives and none of my girlfriends had any children. I was not prepared. Not even close.

My mother had natural, no med deliveries for 7 of her 9 children, how hard could it be? I was so wrong. I went to the hospital in early labor, we had not made time for birthing classes. I had no strategies to manage the pain and my husband was as distraught at my pain as I. I begged for an epidural 5 hours in and that choice led to a cascade of interventions resulting in an *emergency* c-section. I had a beautiful healthy boy. BUT I felt so striped of my power. I had given in to the doctors and not advocated for me or my baby. I was ashamed.

Five years later we were pregnant again, on our limited insurance I had very little choice in providers and the first words out of my doctor's mouth at my prenatal appointment was "I don't do VBACs." Once again, I failed to advocate for myself. I let myself be swept up by the medical complex and had another major surgery for our second child. I was so powerless. I felt so lost.

I kept my shame and feelings of powerlessness hidden for a very long time. It's been almost 8 years since our youngest was born. We are finally ready for another child and as part of my journey to reclaim the void inside I have been digging into my feelings surrounding my previous births. I now know that I need to advocate for myself. I have been researching and learning how to advocate for myself, for my body, for my babies. I will have a Trial of Labor After Caesarian. I will have a Vaginal Birth after 2 Caesarians. I will find my power and recover from my trauma & shame. I will conquer.

Now there's just the small part of finding a provider willing and able to support this decision. Oh and conception. 😆