Jumbled Up

So much going through my head. As my body withdraws from the hormones of the Nexplanon I find myself contemplating everything and anything. Everything Sparks a new stream of thought.

A twinge in my arm reminds me we could be having a baby by this time next year. A drop of rain on the window makes me think of the crawl space beneath the house and what all the melting snow is doing to the foundation of our house. A passing car makes me wonder when we'll be able to afford a larger vehicle. A glance in the mirror while brushing my teeth makes me wonder what my husband sees when he looks at me. The laughing of the kids on the way to school makes me wish I was already pregnant. And so on and so forth.

My mind won't settle. It's strange but fascinating. I feel a bit of a fog lifting and I've had much less intrusive negative thoughts since the removal. I'm happy about this change. Were the artificial hormones really affecting me that much? I'm blown away. I can hardly wait to see where I am once I'm truly out of the fog.

Photographs & Mirrors

For the last 10 years or so I have hated having my picture taken. Every image of myself was horrible to my eyes and I avoided cameras or did my best to be the one taking the pictures. I even started avoiding full body mirrors as my visage was so hateful to me.

Over the last year or two, and especially after a medical scare my husband had last year, I have come to realize that my children would probably like to have pictures of us together when I pass. And even before then, my children deserve a mother who is present and not hiding from the camera or mirrors.

And while I started being less camera shy for my children I also came to appreciate my own image. I am learning to love my self as I am now. I am learning that I don't have to change myself to be worthy of love and respect. And in learning this I have begun taking better care of myself. Loving my body as it is helps me treat myself with kindness. The "flaws" I used to see are now just a part of my uniqueness. I am me, and that is enough.