Being Sick Sucks

Friday night my 2nd grader started throwing up. It was gross and the poor thing was miserable. He didn't start acting like himself again until Sunday night.... Monday night I started throwing up... It's Wednesday so I was hoping to feel halfway human by now but I'm still wrecked. Doesn't help my husband had to go out of town Tuesday morning (I was up most of the night heaving so I slept on a couch close to the bathroom). He'll be back tonight. I wanted to make the house not look like a sick person had been letting the kids run crazy but let's face it they have been. Too much video games not enough proper meals, fighting each other over everything. *Sigh* I'm barely coping.

In other news, I finally saw what true ewcm looks like, but considering I'm still a bit dehydrated I'm assuming "thick snot" will not always be an apt description. There was a lot. I don't think I've ovulated yet but it's hard to tell since my BBT is off from being sick. I was running 99+ this morning and didn't even take a temp on Tuesday. Time will tell I suppose. Hopefully this illness doesn't delay ovulation. I want to just get on with my cycle, not delay it.

Small update on my vivid dreams from the other day, one of my sisters announced that same evening that she's expecting 🤣

Vivid Dreams

Been a rough couple days. Sickness, fluctuating weather. Sugar withdrawal. Ugh! Intrusive negative thoughts made a little come back.

Last night/early this morning I had a very vivid dream. I was pregnant with quadruplets! Then I gave birth to 3 of them but number 4 was transverse breech (laying sideways across the cervix). In my dream I kept repositioning them but every time I got them head down and I was ready to push they would flip back to the transverse position. It felt so real. So vivid, I woke with my uterus pulsing from the memory of it. No temperature spike in my chart to indicate ovulation yet though. And we've been super good about barrier protection so I'm certain I haven't conceived.

It's funny, the last time I had a pregnancy dream this vivid my sister called me 3 weeks later to tell me she was pregnant, and from her dates she probably conceived right around the time of my very vivid dream. So as soon as I woke up this morning I demanded all my siblings in our family chat room tell me who sent the the dream 🤣

It's crazy but when my dreams about babies and pregnancy are this vivid, someone close to me always ends up being pregnant. Only time will tell. I'll know for sure when one of them announces a due date in mid December. 🤷

Night time Musings

Laying in bed, cuddling with my husband. Googling why my pee smells different (probably the new vitamins). I rub my arms absent mindedly and am struck by the fact that I no longer have a stick in my arm. After almost six years with a foreign object lurking just below the surface of my skin it's so odd to finally feel nothing. To know I'm not fiddling with my chemistry any more, to know I'm finally allowing my body to reach an equilibrium. To find it's normal. And to top it off I'm learning more and more about how it actually works.

I keep going back to TCOYF and researching different aspects of my menstrual cycle. How different hormones play a role in not just my cycle but my overall health & wellness. I really love learning and it just feels so good to immerse myself in a new subject. The added ability to have a practical application for my new knowledge is a big bonus.

And now to pop on a nature documentary and doze off, spring break starts next week and I need my rest.

Watching the Temps

When I started working at the elementary school winter was approaching. I soon became very aware of what the temperature outside was doing. As winter dragged on I became very focused on what the temps were doing, above 0°F we paly outside, below and we have to be inside. Recess inside is hard on EVERYONE,but especially on the kindergartners. We are finally headed towards spring and now I have to fight the kids about the temps once more. Below 60°F they have to keep their coats on... To K, 1st, & 2nd 45°F sure feels warm enough to take off a coat, not on my watch kiddos!

Having spent so much of the last 6 months focused on the temps outside it feels very fitting for my temp watch to start to be focused inward. Since having my Nexplanon removed I have been charting my waking temps. The scientist in my head is fascinated by the changes on my chart. At first my waking temps were elevated by the lingering artificial hormones but they have come down and now I am hoping for the temperature shift which will indicate I have ovulated. I know it may not happen this cycle but I am still watching the temps, looking for the shift, the change. Like waiting for spring to arrive, I'm watching my body for signs of returning fertility.

Mondays are (insert word)

Mondays are...

Reality. Back to a schedule, appointments to keep, work to do, somewhere to be at all times.

Frantic. Rushing, running, late for everything.

Manic. On edge from the weekend, reactions intensify, over reaching for all the feelings.

A new beginning. A chance to start fresh, to set a new course, to have a do over.

Hard. Everything put off last week comes back to haunt you. But you can make it work. Choose your path.

Make Monday great.

Empowered by Information

Since my confusing ob/gyn appointment where my doctor seemed to be trying to scare me out of a VBA2C (not pregnant, just planning) I have been scouring the internet for information. Not just positive vbac blogs and stories of VBA2C (successful & not) but also medical studies and ACOG guidelines. And I am feeling very much empowered by what I have found.

According to ACOG guidelines as a mother with 2 low transverse scar caesarians I am still a very good candidate for Trial of Labor After Caesarian (TOLAC). Especially since we want to plan for more than one more child. I feel empowered. I know I can bring this information to my OB/GYN when we have conceived and make my case as an informed and empowered woman who knows my strengths and my rights.

I am slowly making a list of things that I want (and don't want) for my next pregnancy and birth. I am backing up my choices with literature and case studies for most of my reasons. Let's face it, some of it comes down to personal preference and some women are more comfortable with certain things than others. I feel like I'm back in school doing an independent study course, and I plan to ace my final project.

Jumbled Up

So much going through my head. As my body withdraws from the hormones of the Nexplanon I find myself contemplating everything and anything. Everything Sparks a new stream of thought.

A twinge in my arm reminds me we could be having a baby by this time next year. A drop of rain on the window makes me think of the crawl space beneath the house and what all the melting snow is doing to the foundation of our house. A passing car makes me wonder when we'll be able to afford a larger vehicle. A glance in the mirror while brushing my teeth makes me wonder what my husband sees when he looks at me. The laughing of the kids on the way to school makes me wish I was already pregnant. And so on and so forth.

My mind won't settle. It's strange but fascinating. I feel a bit of a fog lifting and I've had much less intrusive negative thoughts since the removal. I'm happy about this change. Were the artificial hormones really affecting me that much? I'm blown away. I can hardly wait to see where I am once I'm truly out of the fog.

Not Quite ready! (TMI)

Oh wow! My Nexplanon came out only yesterday. Decided I'd do a quick check of my cervical fluid this morning, it's already bouncing back from my dry baseline (I produced little to no cervical fluid while on the birth control). This quick bounce back means I may start ovulating this week. I'm flabbergasted! I expected for my body to take a few weeks, if not months to get to this point. I should have known better: it took one cycle to conceive our last kiddo. And I didn't know what to look for as far as cervical fluid goes. Now I know what to look for. Not sure I'm ready for my returning fertility.

I better stock up on condoms.

Removed but Confused

I did it. I took control. I had my birth control implant removed yesterday. I should be happy, ecstatic, elated. Instead I'm feeling confused & just a bit conflicted.

I asked my gyno about VBA2C. "It's your choice of course. But.." and he starts describing uterine rupture and the damage it could do to a baby if I were to rupture and not get to a OR fast enough. When asked he gave me the statistics on rupture. There's an approximate 1% chance of uterine rupture after 2 C-sections. From my research I know that can be increased if I "need" to be induced. (Not if I have any say!) 99% chance that I would not rupture. 99%. I feel like he was trying to scare me. Why? His numbers? The inconvenience of waiting on baby? Insurance policy & rates? But I'm still struggling to advocate for myself and hearing him be seemingly against giving me a chance really made me question everything for a bit.

Today I'm stronger. Still a little confused. It's been 8 years since my last section. And I am still determined to make sure it is really the last. I will prepare my body for vaginal birth, before we even conceive. I will prepare myself throughout the pregnancy. I will have a VBA2C.

From Powerless to Empowered

Thirteen years ago I became pregnant. It was not in our plans, we'd only been dating for 3 months or so. I was a junior in University, he was about a year behind me credit-wise, but at another University 100 miles away. We decided to make it work. I was 3.5 months pregnant when we eloped.

I was determined to finish my degree and as our child was due at the end of the fall semester we decided I would continue to go to classes while pregnant. I was so focused on keeping my grades up I didn't do my due diligence in preparing myself for labor & delivery. I was far from all my female relatives and none of my girlfriends had any children. I was not prepared. Not even close.

My mother had natural, no med deliveries for 7 of her 9 children, how hard could it be? I was so wrong. I went to the hospital in early labor, we had not made time for birthing classes. I had no strategies to manage the pain and my husband was as distraught at my pain as I. I begged for an epidural 5 hours in and that choice led to a cascade of interventions resulting in an *emergency* c-section. I had a beautiful healthy boy. BUT I felt so striped of my power. I had given in to the doctors and not advocated for me or my baby. I was ashamed.

Five years later we were pregnant again, on our limited insurance I had very little choice in providers and the first words out of my doctor's mouth at my prenatal appointment was "I don't do VBACs." Once again, I failed to advocate for myself. I let myself be swept up by the medical complex and had another major surgery for our second child. I was so powerless. I felt so lost.

I kept my shame and feelings of powerlessness hidden for a very long time. It's been almost 8 years since our youngest was born. We are finally ready for another child and as part of my journey to reclaim the void inside I have been digging into my feelings surrounding my previous births. I now know that I need to advocate for myself. I have been researching and learning how to advocate for myself, for my body, for my babies. I will have a Trial of Labor After Caesarian. I will have a Vaginal Birth after 2 Caesarians. I will find my power and recover from my trauma & shame. I will conquer.

Now there's just the small part of finding a provider willing and able to support this decision. Oh and conception. 😆

Photographs & Mirrors

For the last 10 years or so I have hated having my picture taken. Every image of myself was horrible to my eyes and I avoided cameras or did my best to be the one taking the pictures. I even started avoiding full body mirrors as my visage was so hateful to me.

Over the last year or two, and especially after a medical scare my husband had last year, I have come to realize that my children would probably like to have pictures of us together when I pass. And even before then, my children deserve a mother who is present and not hiding from the camera or mirrors.

And while I started being less camera shy for my children I also came to appreciate my own image. I am learning to love my self as I am now. I am learning that I don't have to change myself to be worthy of love and respect. And in learning this I have begun taking better care of myself. Loving my body as it is helps me treat myself with kindness. The "flaws" I used to see are now just a part of my uniqueness. I am me, and that is enough.

A Beginning

I suppose every blog starts at the beginning. This beginning is several years in the making.

I've been hurt, mistreated, and told I'm not enough. I am daily confronted with media that tells me my body is too big to be worthy of respect. I am loved and cherished but have a hard time accepting that I deserve it. This year I will celebrate 13 years of marriage with an incredible man who is also the father of my 2 wonderful boys (12 & nearly 8).

For the last several years I've been slowly reclaiming my self-worth. Digging deep and realizing I am worthy of all the good things in my life has been a challenge, to say the least. I am reclaiming the void inside that is full of doubt & hate. I am removing those lies and filling it with words of truth. I am enough. I am worthy. I am beautiful and kind and special just the way I am.

Last fall was the first time I was able to bring up my insecurities and inner battles at my annual doctor appointment. They gave me a referral to a therapist I can't afford. It was also suggested that since hormonal birth control can increase depression in some women that I might want to consider a change in that department. Then they told me to lose some weight and I cried on the way home. This month I am having my Nexplanon implant removed. (It helps that my husband & I feel we are ready for more children). So, in addition to reclaiming my inner void, I will also be reclaiming my body.

This is not the beginning of my journey, but is a beginning.