Weather, ugh!

The last half of April has been just ridiculous. Palm Sunday: 9 inches of snow. Easter weekend: GORGEOUS. Sunny, warm. This weekend: F-CKIN SNOW! What the fack is happening? Why can't we just have some consistent weather? I'm just nuts trying to figure out what I need to wear to go outside one hour to the next. It's making my head spin!

In other news I was hoping to have ovulated by now but no luck yet. It's entirely possible that me obsessing over it is delaying the process. I hope not. Probably just a late ovulation, not really late as I'm only on CD17 and I ovulated around CD19 last month but I had assumed that was a product of withdrawal from the birth control and my ovulation would be earlier this month. Guess not. Better get on the sexy love train tonight. Choo-choo! I really want to make a baby (or two).

I'm also dying to talk about it with everyone. But I know not everyone needs or wants to know the details of my sex life and my cycle. I am an over-sharer with these kinds of things and I've already shared with too many people that we are even TCC. But I'm just so excited and just want to gush about it every moment. To commiserate with someone who maybe knows how I feel. I should probably find a message board or something. Maybe find a like minded community where I can discuss methods, position, timing. All that.

If I ovulate soon I'll be headed for the dreaded 2 week wait all the TCC boards warn about. I've never had a 2 week wait as both my boys were unplanned. I'm not sure how well I'm going to handle this, I'm not known for my patience. Hopefully tracking my temps will help. I know they will drop right before a period if I'm not pregnant. My last luteal phase was about 11 days, I hope that's long enough for implant, it should be. I won't start worrying about that until at least 4 failed cycles.

And that's enough stream of consciousness writing I think. I'll drag myself into a negative cycle if I keep following that line of inquiry. I'm doing everything in my power to support my body in conceiving and that is enough. I am enough.

Musings

Well, I haven't ovulated yet so I know I'm not pregnant. It was fun to think about for a little. My cervix seems to have shifted position this morning so I may be ovulating soon, I better make sure there's sperm ready to meet my egg... If you catch my meaning 😉

Meanwhile I applied for a substitute teacher license today. I have really enjoyed being with the kids on the playground and I'm ready to see if I can make a go of this not during play time. I'm going to start by applying to be a para-educator substitute first, as I'm not sure I'm cut out for full teacher subbing right out the gate. I'm also considering taking a substitute teacher class this summer, I should see if my husband can accommodate that in his schedule. I'm very pleased with the way this is headed.i think it will be good for me. Not to mention the extra income will be nice.

Time to head off to work. Only 24 shifts left (25 school days left but no recess or lunch the last day).

Like a little secret

Wow. We had completely unprotected intercourse for the first time in 9 years. (I count being pregnant with my youngest protection. Haha!)

I'm probably 5-6 days out from ovulation so I don't expect any of these swimmers to make it that long but... What if one does? What if today the sperm that will become our next child is already inside me? It's like I'm walking around with a little secret. What if? Wow. I'm just... Wow. What. If?

Haha. I'm a nutter.

Exercising mindfulness

Trying to focus on being mindful of my thoughts about myself. Trying to be kind. Got on the Gazelle today even tho I'm still a bit crampy. Started to fall into a thought pattern about exercise because of the food I had eaten the night before, not good! I caught myself though and changed my thought pattern. I may even have spoken out loud. "This is not a punishment, I do this because I like the way I feel when my blood pumps hard and the sweat drips from my face. I like the rush of feeling good and recognizing how much my body supports me in everything I do every day! This. Is. Not. A. Punishment."

Sometimes it is hard to step away from the negative thoughts, sometimes it's as easy as reminding myself that I am amazing and awesome and totally worth it!

Fake periods got nothin' on the real deal

I'm in agony. And I don't have an underlying medical condition making it worse. No Endo to blame, nothing. I'm just in pain. The cramps aren't that bad, it's the low back pain. It's excruciating! Heat helps. But barely.

I thought my fake periods (that's what I call what I had on the Nexplanon) were painful. They were nothing compared to this. Every move, every thought of movement wrecks me. I'm a big baby. I was googling to see what's wrong with me. Apparently I just forgot how my body actually feels during real menstruation. My kids running up to me for a hug makes me wince. Rolling over in my sleep wakes me instantly. Tylenol doesn't dent the pain. I just want to scream. And my husband is home and in a spring cleaning mindset 😭 I hope I make it thru the day, tomorrow will be better... Right?

Chocolate & Midol

;I'm ready to curl up on the couch with a heating pad, a bowl of chocolate, and a bottle of midol. I knew it was coming thanks to tracking my temps and being more aware of other body cues. The scientist in me is fascinated by my new awareness and excited to see what a natural cycle will entail (I've had one real cycle in the last 13 years). But regular me just wants to watch sappy movies and drown in hot chocolate.

I'm still so amazed that something as simple as tracking my BBT has given me such an insight into my body and its natural rhythm. I had a temp dip yesterday and knew thanks to my reading that I would start my period within a day or so. Now I get to see how it goes.

Another part of me is celebrating because I know that in a couple weeks I could ovulate once more and it is my hope to get pregnant. It would be fun to continue tracking my cycles for a few months; however, I am ready to have another child. And while I am still young, I don't have a lot of fertile years left and if we decide to have more than one I need to have time for that one as well. 

Bring on the babies!

A Step in the Right Direction

So I've been taking my waking temps for about 26 days now. It's become habit, even on weekends. I have an alarm set for about 615am every day, I don't even remember waking up to take my temp this morning but it was input into my cycle tracking app so I must have. 🤷 I was laughing at myself when I opened my app at 9am to put in my vitamin notes. I'm glad I'm making progress establishing healthy habits. In addition to taking my temps every morning I am also eating a good breakfast, taking vitamins daily, and I've weaned myself down to only 12 ounces of coffee.

Today I took another step in the right direction. I brought my Gazelle glider into the house. It has been languishing in the garage since last summer when it was just too hot to use out there any more. I've a plan in place for how to work it into my daily schedule and I am excited to implement more movement into my routine. Baby steps are still steps.

I'm trying not to rush myself but I really need to have a good routine in place before we start TTC next month. I refuse to let myself fall into the same traps I did the last time I was pregnant. Movement makes me feel good. Reminds me of how incredible my body is, even if it doesn't look like society's current ideal. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am worthy taking care of.

Spring in the air, & my step

Spring is in the air, my step lightens more everyday. Like a weight removed as the cold weather lifts so does my heart. The wind blows away my cares, my worries, my anxiety. It also blows away the last leaves of fall, making room for new buds, new life. New growth.

I am ready to start new life myself, I had wanted to delay so I might be able to join CW on a cruise in December (if he wins it) but cruise restrictions on travel would mean an April 2020 due date and I do not want to wait that long! If he wins hell just have to take his dad or something. I'll be jealous, and spiteful but I'll be carrying new life so I'll try not to care too much.