Summer drags on

It's July. I thought I'd be pregnant by now. It's ridiculous how frustrated I am. Some women take years to have their first children. I had both my boys without trying. I'm trying to remind myself things will happen in their own time. And now that hubs has put in his 2 week notice we don't have to worry so much about timing the birthday. That's takes a ton of stress off. Of course the changing of careers is its own added stressor.

I've decided in my heart it's okay to not be trying right now, but I'm still symptom spotting (I'm in a tww). I'm trying to stay away from googling my symptoms but it's hard, even when the outcome will be the same whether I do that or not. Summer drags on.

The boys go visit my in-laws this week. We meet half way. They love to visit. Next year we may have them go to my parents as well. They have to fly on a plane to see my family though, takes a bit of a leap for me to do that. It'll be hard when they go off by themselves. Next year they'll be 13 & 9. They will love the adventure.

I'm trying so hard to be a better person. I'm still beating myself up over stupid things though. Old patterns are so easy to fall back into. Especially the negative ones. Summer drags on.

Summer highlights

So... My last post ended up being wrong. I didn't ovulate until nearly a week later, though I thought my temps said I did because I was used to that slow rise. I was quite upset about not getting the timing right and ending up with a longer cycle. I had terrible nightmares during my cycle, horror monster style stuff. But on cycle 9 I'm firmly into my next cycle and now I'm daydreaming about snuggly little bundles.

We bought pool passes and have spent a several days at the pool... Just the boys and I mostly as hubs is working of course. He's miserable, and ready to quit, and possibly going to just start driving a bus, maybe go back to school... All I want is a baby but he's ready for a new job, how can I be contemplating a baby when he may not have work? Or at least not be so firmly established. I'm kinda freaking out, it will probably delay ovulation again... Gah! Why can't life just be easy?

In other news: I wore a bikini in public yesterday! Big step for me. Trying to walk out all the talk I've been living. Living my best life in the body I have instead of the body I *wish* I had. It was fantastic. Nobody even looked twice at me, that I noticed anyway. Of course my thighs burned where I forgot sunscreen, but hey, base tan eventually. Gosh I was so pumped. Still riding that high.

Deja Vu

Started another two week wait. But between a sunburn and the a/c running and CW tossing around all night I didn't get very restful sleep last night and my temp is not tracking like it did the last few cycles. We didn't baby dance as much as I would have liked because hubs is so exhausted from work lately. I'm fairly certain I ovulated as my cm is dry/sticky instead of the wet/watery it was before. My temp usually takes a day or two to really rise to its new elevated level. Even with all the craziness of summer and prepping for the in-laws to visit (with not much notice for me) I feel hopeful for this cycle. My cm was increased, thanks in part to my being diligent about my hydration I believe.

Lots to keep me busy and my mind off of babies for the next little bit so it should be a quick 2 weeks.

Last week

So much for starting a workout routine. I completely forgot about it as soon as I published that last Post. Had the laziest 3 day weekend. And got out of breath walking the kids to school this morning.

Ugh! Why is it that I can remember to take my BBT every morning when the alarm goes off, I can remember to take my vitamins, I can remember (mostly) to drink my coffee, I can remember to play a dang phone game every day, but I can't for the life of me add a damn exercise routine to my schedule?

Depression is weird. But I'm fighting it. I will continue to fight it.

Busy busy

It's been awhile since I felt like writing. So much going on as we head into the last week (partial week) if the school year. Trey had a birthday, a party, a field trip. Alex had a sick day and now a field trip. Work is good, but we're getting a new principal next year and I'm not sure how i will do the sub thing if the new person is not on board with me doing recess and subbing. Guess I could quit the recess and straight sub but I really enjoy getting to see the kids at their fun times. I'd miss it. Which is funny because for a long time I didn't want to do this kind of job, I was afraid of being overwhelmed by it. I'm so glad for the progress I've made with my MH. It's really amazing how far I've come in the last year or two, and especially the last few months since I ditched BC.

I'm hopeful that the end of school will mean I can work on adding an exercise routine to my day. If I'm gonna wake up at 615am to take my temp for my FAM chart I might as well hop on the Gazelle before the kids wake up! As this just occurred to me I'm suddenly very excited about adding it in the morning. I'll start this weekend!

Here's to the beginning of a productive summer!

Mother's Day

My temp is still up, I'll test tomorrow if it doesn't drop.

Meanwhile, #2 is screaming about cracking eggs and I'm not sure it safe to go down stairs yet.

He just stomped up here to ask if I wanted to eat upstairs or down. That's my cue to get out of bed ❤️

They made me eggs & toast and even made my coffee. #2 had already gotten me a little potted flower & #1 went out and picked me a couple as well. DH headed for work and the boys and I get to chill at home today.

We ended mother's day by going to TX Roadhouse. 55 minute wait to be seated. They wouldn't take our coupons because of the holiday, half my steak was over cooked, & they nearly forgot my chili. It actually was better than that sounds 🤣

I sure love my boys!

(BFN Monday morning)

Conflicted

I don't know what I'm feeling. Could be PMS, or ... I'm conflicted. My husband is miserable at work and wants to quit. I want to be pregnant but if he's gonna be starting a new job it's suddenly not a good time. I could start my period tomorrow or the next day or I could end up taking a positive test and be holding a 4 month old baby this time next year...

I have never both wanted & not wanted my period to show with equal fervor. So much conflict in my head, my heart. I'm breaking apart.